I'm usually queen of my world.  Whether that be queen of making mistakes or queen of getting my ass out of them, I can pull myself out of my hole on bad days and flourish on good days.  My childhood was amazing, all breezy and idealistic and yet somehow in my 27 years I've done nothing but build myself into a cynical and pessimistic person - so far from the person I saw myself becoming.  It's a sobering experience when one realizes this.  I fully believe that I would never have taken the opportunity to look at myself with such scrutiny had I not moved here and away from the person who allowed me to think that way for years.  This is not, however, his fault. 
A year ago, I instinctively started to realize that there are people in your life that bring you down and capture you in their world of misery.  I hadn't realized I'd been traveling to this exact position for the last four years.  I'd never experienced a person like him before, nor had I experienced the level of love we had for each other.  Although I had a great childhood I did have to deal with some of the hard things in life.  I always had a supportive family and great friends - one of whom I live with today - and I was taught to deal with situations in a healthy manner and deal with the sadness and stress that comes with the thing we call life in as healthy a manner as possible.  I suppose that idea is realtive.  This man, the love of my life, did not have the same niceties in life.  I have thought in the past few months that the only reason he is the person he is today is because of the love of his grandparents, who took him in when no one else wanted him.  At such a young age, he learned that the way to survive was to hold emotions inside, trust no one and never let someone love you since that only brought heartache. 
Our downward spiral together was never intended or maliciously brought on by anyone.  I fell completely in love with a man who was incapable of giving me that same love in return.  And this is something he has yet to realize.  It's so hard when you are faced with a person who possesses qualities you see, yet doesn't see any of them.  He doesn't see these problems that have been buried for so long are slowly coming out into the open and preying on the walls he's so carefully built.  He doesn't realize that in order to move forward and have that love he so desperately wants, he needs to deal with the demons he's so afraid of.  Fear rules him and his refusal to believe that he's capable of any of these things, least of all the abilty to give and receive love.
I found myself in this vicious cycle with him - a cycle of dealing with his problems, realizing it was too much, leaving for a moment, then going right back into the fire.  It was taking much more of a toll on me than I'd like to believe even today.  And so I made a decision.  I had to leave.  The only way I was ever going to get myself out of this situation was to physically move myself away from it.  I loved him too much to not help him and be there for him whenever he needed, yet he was not doing the same for me.  I was in a one-ended relationship.  He'd give me love and support when he could, but it was never enough to keep me going for long.  So I moved 500 miles away.  And I regretted it as soon as I got all my things unpacked.  
Yesterday I had a lengthy conversation with this man and he told me something that made me pull my proverbial head out of my ass.  I cried on the phone to him, complaining about how I hated it where I was and how I wanted to come home and couldn't and he said to me, "You did this to yourself.  You moved yourself out there and broke us up and now you have to deal with it."  I could hear the anger and hurt in his voice and I thought sadly to myself: no progress.  But in the midst of that something struck me.  He's right, I did move myself out here and now I will have to deal with it.  I can't continue on until May crying in my car on the commute to work, listening to sad songs, and living in regret.  But I can make the best of it and deal with myself for the first time in four years.  This is the reason I came here.  If I learn one thing then it's going to be how to separate my needs from his. 
As for him, all I can do is tell him that I left because I needed to and that I'm doing my own thing for the moment.  I tell him that I'm here for him if he needs me, but I can't be there in person.  He needs to figure out how to deal with his demons on his own, I cannot do that for him, no matter how much I ever thought I could.  I told him last night, if he can do that then I'll be there when he's ready because I'll always love him.  If not, then at least I know I'll be ok.